5 Things That Drive Americans Living In London Crazy

I love London. I love England. In fact, I’m generally enamoured with the UK as a whole and am greatly enjoying my time here. The people, the culture, the several thousands of years of history. You know. And owls, obviously.

But there are a few things that drive me – and some of the other Americans I know living in London – crazy.  Sometimes the things in this list are crazy in an adorable way, sometimes they are crazy in a ridiculously annoying way. Depends on how recently you had a fresh cup of tea. (Side note: the sarcasm and complaints-made-into-jokes in this post are totally a product of the British sense of humour creeping into my writing).

5. The Large Truck v. Pedestrian/Bike/Car/Everything Else symptom

One weeknight in September, my friend Sam and I went out exploring by the river.  We encountered an intersection that had a clearly marked lane for pedestrian crossing, but the little green “walk” sign never came on. After almost ten minutes, we decided we had no other option but to run across. Just at that moment, a bus was coming the other way. No joke, the bus driver sped up – we heard the engine rev –  and left us feeling like he was itching to run over some foreigners that day.

This is not just a bus problem, it’s a large truck/vehicle problem in general. Are you a little old lady having trouble with the cobbles? TOO BAD. YOU BETTER GET OUT OF THE WAY. Did you start crossing when the green walk sign was on, and suddenly it changed to red in the middle of the street? TOO BAD. YOU SHOULD HAVE SPRINTED. It’s a bit like if Grumpy Cat drove the buses around here. And if you’re going to jaywalk…you need to have mad skills.

4. The Awkwardly Silent Tube

The London underground, called “the Tube”, has this unwritten rule of never speak to anyone unless you have to and good god do not make eye contact with strangers.  The unwritten rules would probably be in caps, if they were formally written somewhere, by the way.

Anyway, no matter if there is only one other person in that train car or if it’s the packed rush hour, everyone pretends nobody else exists by never speaking to them and for God’s sake never making eye contact with them. You wanna feel awkward talking to your boyfriend about the play you just saw on your way home? Try speaking to him with 15 people giving you the side eye and pretending not to eavesdrop.  Like the NSA, but in person. Just how far does this “pretend you’re in your own world” idea go?

Earlier this week, I got on a morning rush hour train. The woman standing next to me was reading a book and having picked up a bit of this British habit, I sneakily looked at the book cover to find out what she was reading. What was it, do you ask? A pornographic novel. No joke. It was so hard to keep the look of astonishment off my face. This is obviously not typical Londoner behaviour but it demonstrates the level of public awkwardness you can attain on the Tube.

3. The Free-For-All Roundabouts

Imagine you’re walking home with your groceries after work, it’s raining (surprise!) and dark (surprise again!). There’s a roundabout like the above in between you and your warm, dry flat. But wait – now you get to play Russian Roulet: Roundabout Edition with your life. Why? Because the car coming from one direction will drive around the roundabout with their blinker properly, the car coming from the opposite direction will just floor it and pitch itself into the air by driving over the roundabout, and the car coming from the third direction will veer around the roundabout 180 degrees and continue the direction it came for no seemingly rational reason at all.

Basically, London doesn’t have any stop signs or enforcement of proper roundabout behaviour, and it scares the living daylights out of me!

2. Veggies That Seem Like They’d Rather Die Than Be Eaten

In the UK – and Europe as I understand it – there are a lot fewer preservatives in foods.  And I appreciate that, I really do. It’s not good to have chemicals in food. But coming from America, where Twinkies last longer than some marriages, it’s a little infuriating to have the vegetables to go bad within what seems like hours.

I give myself tons of points for buying veggies and fruits at the grocery store. I feel super healthy just buying them. But then, while I’m making an honest attempt at obtaining nutrients, I open the fridge the next day and the spinach is rotting. Good luck going through an entire bread loaf by yourself within it’s lifespan; you’ll be eating a lot of toast and peanut butter sandwiches.  I’m glad to not ingest chemicals.  I just don’t enjoy going to the grocery store so much that I want to do it several times a week.

1. The Double Faucets

WHAT IS THIS? WHY?

This annoys me past reason.  For some reason, the majority of sinks in Britain have two taps.  One has such cold water you’d think it just came off a glacier. The other has water so hot it scalds your skin.  This makes sense for a kitchen, where you’d need waters of extreme temperatures. Where this does not make sense is EVERYWHERE ELSE. I do not understand why you have two options while washing your hands in the bathroom sink: A) Run your hands under super hot/cold water until it’s too uncomfortable to get the rest of the soap off (guess the towel can do that too…). B) Alternate between scalding and freezing until your skin is red and confused. No germs can live in both very hot and very cold environments, right? So alternating should kill them all? Kinda?

I get this is not something that bothers Brits and is sometimes a result of antiquated plumbing structures. It particularly bugs me because it seems like public health would benefit people being able to wash their hands in warmish (not first degree burn worthy) water for a full minute. A sink I don’t have to war with to wash my hands is something I look forward to regaining when I move back to the States.

I hope this has provided a laugh for my American friends living in England (or anyone who has experienced any of these problems in a foreign place and shared my sentiment), and I hope all you Americans freaking appreciate the next sink you encounter.